Sharkenstein (2016)

After finishing American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson, I decided to jump back into some low budget horror tonight before diving back into AHS: Hotel. After doing that though, I quickly realized I made a mistake with my selection: 2016s Sharkenstein.

Plot/ In the final days of World War II, a secret experiment to weaponize sharks is shut down and destroyed by the Third Reich. But now 60 years later, a bloodthirsty, mysterious creature plagues a small ocean town, one built and reanimated using parts of the greatest killers to ever inhabit in the sea - the Sharkenstein monster!

While I expected this one to be bad, a small part of me held out hope that I was wrong. Unfortunately, my instincts were right, and this one quickly landed on the list as one of the worst films I have seen in some time. Actually, I would rate it beneath the presidential debates (which could be taken as horror/comedies from a certain perspective). There is really nothing redeemable in this film. The special effects range from bad to worse, the CGI horrible (I know it is an effect, but it is THAT bad), the scripting is flat, and the overall quality is just not there. Yes, I am a fan of no-budget horror, but this has nothing that I could immerse myself into to make it worthwhile. In the end, this is one of the worst shark films that I have seen, and would even be bad for a SyFy Channel original. Stay away, it is really not worth the 73 minutes that I took to watch it. However, if you do want to see something that is a true piece of independent horror cinema, check out THIS video from Project Veritas. 

Jaws 2 (1978)

Sequels are always difficult to venture into. While some exist that at least match the quality of the source material, most fall flat. Of course, this is usually the case when Hollywood is more concerned about money than originality. In my next review, I cover a sequel that was clearly more about money than an original concept: Jaws 2.

Plot/ Police chief Brody must protect the citizens of Amity after a second monstrous shark begins terrorizing the waters.

In many ways, this movie was doomed from the start. Think about it, no matter how good it was, there would be no way for it to live up to the bar set by the classic Jaws. Now, that does not make it a bad movie, but it does hamper its ability to stand on its own and capture the audience in the same way that the original. While there are some positives with decent performances, the awesome soundtrack, and some outstanding technical aspects, the overall atmosphere did not match the tension of the first. Add on the lack of memorable characters, an uneven storyline, and a predictable premise, and it is easy to why this one did not live up to the expectations set by the timeless Jaws. In the end, this is a perfect example of a movie franchise that did not need to add any sequels to secure its legacy in cinematic lore. Is this a bad movie? No, it really isn’t, but there is no way that it could have ever matched the depth or powerful impression left by the original. If you are in the mood for a shark movie, give it a shot, if not, watch the original; it has more bite.

Jaws (1975)

After taking yesterday off to go watch West Virginia defeat Youngstown State, I decided that it was time to get some movies in this afternoon. While I did watch a variety of material, I figured I should change things up a bit and review a classic. After some internal debate, I decided it was time to look at the timeless 1975 entry Jaws.

Plot/ When a gigantic great white shark begins to menace the small island community of Amity, a police chief, a marine scientist and a grizzled fisherman set out to stop it.

I tend to stay away from classics here on The Ringmaster’s Realm, but today, I decided to revisit a classic. I know everyone has heard of Jaws, and really there is nothing more I can say that hasn’t already been said or written somewhere. However, this is a movie that clearly stands the test of time and has held up quite well over the past few decades. Based on the book by Peter Benchley (who also gave me my introduction to the Bermuda Triangle), the storyline and vision that Steven Spielberg created is still amazing. The cast is masterful, with the characters all endearing themselves into every scene, the soundtrack is perfect, the atmosphere heavy, and the scripting and cinematography are examples that should be used in every film class. Hell, I still don’t like swimming in the ocean (although, there is some of my Naval career that influences that as well). Yes, the shark itself has some issues and there are some points that make you scratch your head, but those are but minor in the grand scheme. In the end, Jaws is a movie that helped shape not only a genre but also a generation (and amazingly it was done with a PG rating). If you have not seen this original classic, you are wrong. Watch it now!

Shark Exorcist (2015)

Now that I am getting back into the flow of the blog again, it is nice to revisit some of the low budget entries that I grabbed while working on some of my school projects. Now with graduation being less than two weeks away, I am settling in on a decent schedule to keep the momentum flowing. Next up for review is the 2015 no-budget entry Shark Exorcist.

Plot/ A demonic nun summons Satan to a small fishing village, where he takes over the bodies of a great white shark and a young woman. A chain reaction of evil grips the tiny community as shredded bodies wash ashore. A Catholic priest arrives, and he must fight both teeth and temptation on land and sea in order to send these man-killers back to Hell before the tide comes in for good!

This flick was definitely something from the depths of a low budget basement. While I realized before turning it on that it would likely be incoherent and at times full of schlock, I honestly did not expect what I found. Is this movie bad? Yes, yes it is. However, the craziness and disjointed feel with random scenes, uneven performances, and strange storyline made for something that I really could not take my eyes away from. I did this not because it was good, I just wanted to see what would happen next. In the end, I think with a larger budget and streamlined script, this one could have been something that would have fit into the classic exploitation films of the past. Unfortunately, it never meets or comes close to that potential.

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015)

Having taken a more serious look at some of my movie selections recently, I decided that I needed to watch something a little less intense, and something with some comedic flair. After some debate with myself, I broke down and watched one of the more recent schlockfests to come around, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (now, I will need to revisit and review part 2).

Plot/ A monstrous tornado unleashes ravenous sharks from Washington, D.C., all the way down to Orlando, Florida.

This may sound a bit crazy, but I have a huge soft spot for schlockfests like the Sharknado franchise. Any time a movie can embrace stupidity and take it to a new level with every installment, it is even better. That is definitely the case with this one, as the third installment may be the most outlandish one yet. Sharks in space, really, who could want more? Yes, the CGI is bad, the dialog laughable, the comedy, and action outlandish, but it is supposed to be, as nothing is taken seriously inside this (or any) entry in the Sharknado franchise. In the end, this cheese-fest is nothing more than a fun ride full of insane cameos and absurdity. Sure, it is mindless, but sometimes we need that type of ridiculous humor to keep us all sane.

Sharknado (2013)

After a couple days of quiet, I decided to see what I had sitting in my queue to watch. While I had a variety to choose from, and could have dove into some Sci-Fi, or a classic slasher, I decided that I needed something a touch more laughable. My selection for the evening is the ultra-hyped SyFy Channel cheesefest Sharknado from 2013.

Plot/ When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature's deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.

After putting this off for some time now knowing this would be a train wreck, I decided that it was time to see what all the hype was about. Now I know and am glad I finally broke down to watch this schlockfest. This is beyond B-Movie camp, this is beyond ludicrous, yet, it definitely falls in the so back it is good category. Cinematically, it is horrid. It is incoherent, the storyline is crazy, the dialogue is non-existent and the CGI makes the reptile creature features appear to be Oscar worthy. All that being said, this has to be one of the most entertaining and laughable SyFy Creature Features that has crossed the screen in some time. If you have not seen this yet, check it out! It is a train wreck that is worth watching.

Bait (2012)

Creature features are always somewhat challenging. Sometimes you hit a homerun and sometime you suffer through some miserable CGI-fest that you wish would end. Over the weekend, I grabbed a couple of creature features, the first being Legend Has It and the second, the 2012 entry Bait.

Plot/ A freak tsunami traps shoppers at a coastal Australian supermarket inside the building - along with a 12-foot Great White Shark.

Shark flicks are often a mixed bag, some are enjoyable and well, some are dreadful. This one fell somewhere on the positive side of those entries. While the storyline did have more depth than many films in the genre, it did have some of the cliché moments that cause problems. The acting was decent; the plot ok, the real surprise was the characterization that was a lot better than what usually comes with low-budget creature features. Of course, there is the typical unbelievably horrendous CGI effects that just come across in a way that does drag the flick down. Honestly, take away the CGI and this would have been one of the most entertaining shark flicks in some time. In the end, this movie was entertaining and did provide a solid piece to open Shark Week here at the house, is it perfect, no… But, it is worth watching if you love the creature features that usually litter Shark Week. 

Malibu Shark Attack (2009)

After taking a break last night to put out a sighting report for interesting creatures or UFOs, it was time to get back into the swing of things. Of course, with some of the daughters still feeling the buzz of the news from the Bigfoot hunt, I decided to continue with some creature feature. My selection, from the Maneater Collection is the SyFy Channel flick Malibu Shark Attack from 2009.

Plot/ When a tsunami floods Malibu, it brings with it a hunting pack of deep-water, prehistoric goblin sharks that go after the lifeguards in their half-submerged station on stilts and a team of construction workers stranded in a flooded house.

Let me start by saying that I am not the biggest fans of SyFy Channel creature features, and I mainly watch them with my daughters as a fun alternative. I will admit that sometimes they surprise me; unfortunately, this is not one of those cases. While the acting was not too bad, actually decent for this type of faire, it is too bad that it went downhill from there. The sharks may be the worst ever, the tsunami is not much better, and the storyline is a horrid mix of cliché, filler and utter ridiculousness. In the end, it was one of the worst creature flicks I have seen in sometime and was not worth the time I spent watching it.

Two-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

After laughing at the ridiculousness of Super Shark last night, I decided to venture back into the realm of the unbelievable creature feature for some more entertainment. Why, who knows. Maybe it is the snow that continues to fall outside or maybe it was the thought of bikini’s and boobs, maybe both… Anyway, after some searching at Family Video, I decided upon a 2012 flick from The Asylum that seemed perfect, Tew-Headed Shark Attack.

 

Plot/ Survivors escape to a deserted atoll after a Semester at Sea ship is sunk by a mutated two-headed shark. However, when the atoll starts flooding, no one is safe from the double jaws of the monster.

He we go again, another creature movie from The Asylum, awesome. Before I get started, we already know what to expect with this one, as most (if not all) of their creature features have similarities with over-the-top CGI and multiple flaws, and this one stays true to form. However, I must say that after watching Super Shark last night, this entry is at least original and nowhere near as terrible (not saying it is that good either). I will say this, it is entertaining featuring a new and awesome shark to the fold, it is quite original. There is a lot of kills and blood (even the up close eating that is always awesome) and there are some hot chicks and boobs.  Unfortunately, that is about where the good parts end and the bad ones begin. The acting is poor (typical), the pacing off, storyline uneven and the shark miraculously changes size on demand from scene to scene (really, big as a boat in one scene, half the size in the next). In the end, this is one of the better supersized creature features that have been running amuck over the past few years, it may be unbelievable, but at least the shark does not fly or walk on the beach.

Super Shark (2011)

If you are avid reader of my blog, than you have read that, my daughter Jillian loves animal attack flicks, especially ones that have sharks in them. Fortunately for us, the SyFy Channel, The Asylum and other production companies have gone overboard recently with a plethora of shark attack flicks for us to choose from. Unfortunately, many of those feature hideous CGI and laughable to terrible storylines for our viewing pleasure. I guess it could be worse; she could be a Twilight fan. With another request for a shark movie pending, we decided to sit-down and watch 2011s, Super Shark.

Plot/ An offshore drilling accident triggers the release of a giant prehistoric shark. When marine biologist Kat Carmichael arrives, she runs up against corporate front man Roger Wade, who plots with Stewart to disrupt her investigation.

Yet another cheesy SyFy Channel low-budget shark attack flick is just what I needed, and to top it off, this one may be the worst of the bunch so far. The storyline is becoming all too cliché, for the genre, which adds even more insult to the ridiculousness.  In fact, this one is so ridiculous, it is hard to expound on just how bad it is. If there was redeeming factor, it was that I could not stop laughing at the stupidity on the screen. The acting was uneven, the action so-so, the CGI over-the-top and terrible, really this was just a mess (although watching a tank dropkick the shark on the beach was hilarious). Honestly, this played like a bad comedy more than any type of Sci-Fi, Action, or Horror movie. If that was the case about this flick then it was a success, then the director succeeded, because there was no gore, no nudity and none of it made sense in the slightest (a shark that walks and flies, really?).  In the end, this one is just bad. If you like this type of creature feature and would love a good laugh, check it out, if not, stay away! It definitely is not Dyn-O-Mite!

The Reef (2010)

So, January is coming to an end. This has been a big month; starting the new job at PIA, celebrating Genesis’ birthday, and branching out with writing (working with the guys at Steelers101). Now, it is time to finish the month on a high not on the blog. My final review of the month is the shark movie, The Reef from 2010 (based on a true story).

Plot/ A great white shark hunts the crew of a capsized sailboat along the Great Barrier Reef.

Let me start by saying that this is one of the best shark movies that I have seen. This movie is put together really well, with solid cinematography that creates a realistic feel and a lot of tension throughout. The character development is sound, acting decent and it was refreshing to see a real shark in a movie vice the standard CGI or mechanical beast. Yes, the pacing was slow and the action was spread out, but this film definitely took a different route in creating its foreboding atmosphere.  In the end, this is one of the better animal attack films to come out in some time, and one that is definitely worth watching.